Hi I’m Lisa. Welcome to my blog. I am calling this the dumping ground because I don’t consider this type of writing to be much else. Don’t get me wrong; I am not against it and I’m sure it could be a great way to get fresh ideas and to do some brainstorming. However when I actually sit down to do any kind of serious writing it often takes me several days and sometimes months for me to accurately express what I want to convey. I am at great fault a perfectionist and highly anal when it comes to writing, so to just jot a few thoughts down on a blog isn’t something that comes easy for me. In fact right now I’m pre writing this into a word program to see how it looks and I’ll probably print it and edit it before publishing as well.
Basically what I am going to use this for then today is a dumping ground of all the useless things that are in my head that only annoy my professors at the beginning of the term. The topics will vary. I don't have any topic ideas so that's my topic. I suppose it could be a good tool that I may decided to use in the future. My first papers of the semester for the last year, haven’t been very good and sometimes not even coherent, so maybe this will help. I have a lot of junk in my head before I start to really get good ideas. Here is an example of something I haven’t been able to get out of my head since school started on Monday.
I am still unsure. I am unsure if I should just be a nothing or keep trying to be a something. Being a nothing is so very tempting and really pretty easy. You wake up in the morning; you eat something, maybe brush your teeth and go back to bed, and then perhaps you get up and take a shower and go back to bed again. You don’t over exert yourself; you just go with the flow. There are no demands on your time and when you accept being a nothing, then you’re just a passer in time and space with no goal or purpose but to just experience being here. You can breath easy with no expectations on yourself.
Then there is the other. Being something. Most of the time it’s the thing I concentrate on the most and it takes all my energy. I know, it’s what all of us want and desire; a life, a dream fulfilled, a destination. But it’s so hard, especially at my age. Why, I didn’t do this, when I was young? I don’t know. I guess because I was content with my life when I was young. Now I am not content. Now I am completely dissatisfied with what I have done with the time I was given. I want to leave something behind. Not for the world, but for my boys. I feel as though I have robed them of their futures by my formative years of being a nothing. But I have always felt like a small little fish in the vast ocean of something’s and that the something’s were not really accomplishing that much more than I. We all have the same fate anyway, so what does it matter. Now, the only reason, that it matters, is for them. I cannot stop and I feel this push, this maternal instinct I guess, to create a way for them. They are fatherless; well, at least the older two are and they are working so hard to just get by and it pains me so to see them struggle. The Universe, though I don’t know why has in the last few years given me this drive, this, this unstoppable pull and provided me a way. How could I after three and a half long years even think to disappoint the gods? The children. I am so good at being a nothing.
